"I am just a person but you can't take it." - Paramore, Ignorance
It has been awhile since I sat down and babbled things out. I do not usually "whine" about how chaotic are things on my mind but for a moment or two, it is satisfying to let these words tell the unspoken truth.
12 am. Midnight.
How hard is it for an individual to pick up adulthood? I know it sucks to take in the understanding and responsibility of being an adult (you are marked so if you're 20 or above). What I am trying to say is things can get serious at any time. Individuals have priorities to put up in their lives and sometimes your surroundings do not get the chaos at all. The worst part is they blame you for not having enough time to pay attention at the laughs they are missing out and who the heck has ideas on that?
The apprehensive message that runs through my vain was 'why do I get blamed for not being a good companion... on someone else's face and not my own?' and for the fact that I was not even aware at all that individuals were brave enough to freely turn the truth upside down just to be pitied. I was not aware that those individuals desired extra attention of what I've given. The worst part out of this chapter is when you wake up on one fine morning and you receive a text from people you love(even your mom) letting you know that individuals have degraded you, in the lowest way possible, in the lamest way.
Let me tell you this, I do consider the things they told me, but sometimes I just don't have time to deal with lame rumors especially about self-degrading or self shamming. I realize that you will always be criticized for everything you do in life and people would not let you breath easily. But it gets funny when different people come up to you about the same exact rumors from the same exact troublemaker. I just smiled when I heard the (made-up) story and when I talked to Nick, he just laughed, we both just laughed it off. He left me this note : "Babe, the taller the tree, the stronger the wind. But as long as you have your root, you are unshakable." (How wise!) I am also surprised when people defend my character. Only people that do not know you will believe rumours about you and sometimes those are the people you never meet. Funny, huh?
Frankly, my universe has been filled with pin-point goals and hectic schedules, doing priorities and in between I always try my best to squeeze in romantic dates, 3 meals of the day with Nick (if possible), and day out with my girl-friends or an hour or two to call my family and friends overseas and a simple nap for my soul recharge. To open a space to negativity and attention-seeker will only be a waste of time and energy, because it will drain a lot of your energy. I will not downgrade myself worth to fight the narcissist.
Last but not least,
"This is the best things that could've happened
any longer I wouldn't have made it
It is not a war, no, it is not a raptureI am just a person but you can't take itThe same tricks that, that once fooled methey won't get you anywhereI am not the same kid from your memorywell, now I can fend for myselfI guess you can't accept that the change is good."Paramore, Ignorance.
The understanding of this is kind of a chaotic roller-coaster. What I focus on from now on is life in general and my universe with those starry nights off another coast and ticking of my wish-list. I, consciously, just booked a ticket again. (and the life story continues..........)